My academics are not improving.
MSG will probably go quite high haha. IHC is screwed up, my Chemistry was an A2. Chinese well, will be the same as always. Biology, Mrs Koh relented and gave me the extra half mark. English is improving ^^. Maths, tough luck. I do not have enough time to practise the questions. Physics... well I screwed up the PBL. Left the test.

2nd term would be better with no more TKK or drama festival...

I seem quite detached from my class, and I do not really talk to some of my better friends anymore.
Huagang, I see situational irony.
I just do not get it.

Somebody says he is enthusiastic about huagang, asks others to be serious, and yet himself is the one disturbing the rehearsals the most, not setting his lines no matter how many times I have asked him, not being serious about anything. So much for being enthusiastic. Oh, and I wondered if you did remember about any list that I passed you.
I wanted to scold you there and then, I resisted my emotions.

Should there be any time for it once more, I would really just let it all out, all of my frustrations towards you. I do not care if it sours our relations, because to me, we are not really friends anymore. On the surface, yes. But to be frank, I no longer regard you as one.

---

Huagang... time to view it in another light.

I sense immense similarity between Huagang and NPCC.
Both seems to be having similar problems.
But of course, the difference is immense as well.

I think I have allowed some people to linger too long, allowed some people to spread their influence too much.
I wish some people will understand where they go wrong.
And I wish they would change.
Some is trying to.. I know.
But some just really... ugh...

I do not know... but for now, Huagang is no longer listed as my priority.
21 more days, and I will be back.
Within this 21 days, I am gonna either despise that person totally or screw him if he doesn't change. Along with the rest of the crew.

---

Xin Rui seems tired. Sorry for the past few days.
Cheng Jun seems pissed. I hope you can express it in my stead. Your silence won't help.

I know my limitations. And I don't wish to break them. Because I can't.

The vivacity I once had with regards to this entity is gone.
I'd love to help, but it doesn't mean anything if the others doesn't appreciate it.
What I have contributed, and what I have received in return, has been too different.
Is there any meaning in this anymore?
Why'd anybody work hard, sacrifice his own personal interests, and all he gets are people that are adamant, that continues to destroy what he had tried to construct.

---

If only, I was different.
If only, I rejected that role.
If only, I shirked this reponsibility.

Then all of this, wouldn't have happened.

But then, since fate has guided me this way,
since my own mind has led me here,
let me to know other's worries,
let me to know mine as well,

maybe it is time for me to reenact the promise I once made but broken.

Starting from today, I don't want to be silent.
I want to reassume my status.
I want to qualm my fears.
I want to overcome my sloth.

I am gonna begin my proper role.

Wish those that understand this, will help me to assure me that I wouldn't change paths anymore.

21 more days, before I can start paving the way, before I can start mapping the skies.
and 4 months more, to leave my marks.

Let it end well.

Does time change a person, or do events during the passing of time change a person?

I feel this year I have changed. Have I changed due to the fact I am older, due to the fact that I have advanced in the chronology of time by a chapter... or changed because of my actions as a free-willed human agent, because of personal circumstances...

I don't feel like going to Huagang anymore. It is like an entity. Everything I worked hard for now is so miniscule to me now. It's like I am doing this just because I am supposed to, not because I want to. I don't feel I deserve the kind of treatment I get for what I do. Whatever I do, nothing will change in the people's mindset. Whatever I worked hard to accomplish, nobody appreciates them. Seriously, what am I working hard for? What am I doing?

And tomorrow welcomes another generation into here, so do I pretend and happily invite them?

Who am I?
I have seriously no idea now.


Time continues to spirit away from existence.
And I continue to turn away from reality.
And I slowly change into an ethereal imagination.
A manifestation of thoughts.
With no actions.
Nor anymore desires or wishes.

And may this train of thoughts... eventually reach someone who understands them someday.

I am a fool, in the middle of people who do not understand me.

I am a clown, playing tricks for them.

So, who am I, really?

Okay, I want to revoke my no-posting.

CNY, horoscope prediction was BAD luck all year round. Epic. THen old illnesses will be back. I was sick for 3 days during CNY. I almost went to hospital on the first day. WTF.

Okay, I shall not be that superstitous. Just live life.

I think I can guess most of CJ's blog.

The "she"'s are obvious.

The "He"s are not referring to one person.

And I may be in it. But speculation won't do any good. So let's just hope I am not one of it.
At least from deduction of his reactions, I can be sure that one of the "He" is being immaturish about love. Or stubborn, rather.

Why bear yourself down with burden?
Why bear yourself down with affairs of others?
Why do you care about them?

For myself, I have to ask...

Why the heck am I actually caring about Huagang. Fuck this man.

I now don't have any time for what I really like doing.

Maybe I should skip JC and go Poly instead. Rather, that's my wish. But I am not courageous enough to push this to my parents. They expect me to earn big. I am not going to Le Salle either.
Well, now that part of me had disappeared with time, now I can't even draw shit, literally and metaphorically.

4 months more to shirk responsibility. Yiyun deserves to have better pushers. I really just want to be a silent helper. I may be passionate, but I don't want to be the leader. Huagang is different from council. Huagang has many more shitload problems. That can't be really cured.

Let's hope John will tank for sounds... I can't find time to source and mix the music.
Asking Yuan Xin seems to be inappropriate. His studies are dying without me asking him to do what he is supposed to do. Being a normal member alone seems to be taking a toll on him with his addiction and warped mental state.

I wonder.
I wonder why.

I may know everything, I may know how to solve the problems.
I may know the answer to everything,
but my heart isn't willing to help.
It just wants me to follow my true wishes.

Friends are the only connection to that entity every week.

Maybe I should turn to literature. Traditional art seems impossible with my level of technique now. I even forgot human anatomy, types of anime eyes.

And I lost creativity.

This is leading to nowhere. Why am I writing? For the sake of it? That's true...

Let's go, enjoy this segment of life! Being optimistic is the best way I guess.

My life sucks. I got into the newspaper with a retarded picture. And people around me are poking fun into it. Yeah fine, you think it's funny, I don't. Screw off bitches. Or rather, bastards.

And then more retarded stuff pops up. Shan't comment about it.

I am procastinating now. Crap.

I won't post until I change my blogskin. Just realized it sucks as a blogskin, too dark. Till then.

Ironically,

Happy Lunar New Year!

Let's take a breather. Let's reset our feelings.
Let's return to our simpler selves...