HY DESIGN

2010-05-16T00:59:00.002+08:00

I just realize I do not really like the blogskin. Too dark haha. Maybe I shall make a neater blogskin, similar to that of usual wordpress themes.

And probably delete all my previous posts. Quite meaningless. Or maybe keep it as a record of events.

Studies are fine so far, though I now totally hate Physics, because I understand nothing at all.
Huagang is still as ever. Finally it will be over soon.
I am in Intelligent Ironman contest now. My team hopefully goes into Taiwan haha.

Went to John's house for pizza after CSM. Monopoly ftw haha.
Felt bad ignoring the Open House peeps, who were waiting for someone in an isolated place from signals. Some people were quite angry too. Sorry. Open House was a waste of time imo.
Oh Sec 2 competition was a waste of time too, and Zhou basically blamed everything on me. Whatever. My fault. Fine. Then she gives me that look.

Joshua Yeo lost my pen somehow. Crap, I am giving up pen spinning. Not enough money to buy all the parts again. Zzz. How I wished I was a selfish bastard who kept the pen to myself, hahaha.

---

Change my skin, type in proper sentences.
And begin some useful writing.
Read more books. Informative books or books that are nice. Learn more words.
Practise Scrabble, currently I am too lousy.

One interesting reflective post from an author:

"We complicate our prose and muddle our pacing, all in an effort to make it sound intelligent and deep. Yet, if anything, we need to be the most concise with our words, because the worlds we’re crafting are complex enough and stunning enough on their own. Think back on those stories you were told when you were young. What do you remember most about them? Was it the way they were told, or what they were about? I think you know the answer to that.

Don’t fear being seen. Fear not being seen at all…"

Hmm, this applies to me very well. Why do we tend to complicate matters such that the real issues at hand are obscured? Why do we think too much on simple issues that just needs clarity?

The world is full of symbolism, why can't we just shed all of it away and just share our love and happiness to everyone.

Reality stands in the way, greed exists in it. What a sad truth, that can be altered.

Am I making sense, probably naught.

2010-05-09T16:33:00.002+08:00

Procastination ruled my life yesterday.
Wheee... I am dead for Physics test.

Shall do my IHE Ace before studying heh.
Life sucks.

My ACE and OP for IHC is 0 for 2 terms. LOL. Let's hope the people will start doing the stupid ACE powerpoint.

One more week to sabbatical week. Few more commitments before having no more links to that.

Sucks to my life!

2010-05-04T03:36:00.002+08:00

It sucks to be criticized.
It sucks to know you are wrong.
It sucks to know you are deproving.
It sucks to know you are not doing anything.
It sucks to know you are ignorant.

It sucks to know, you are degenerating as a soul.
It sucks more to admit it.

Can anybody tell me, why is it that I can't come to face with my mistakes?

I want to change my lazy self, my arrogant self, my ignorant self, my idiotic self.
So that it doesn't suck to be me.

2010-05-04T03:21:00.002+08:00

I am being a total jackass recently.

Crap, I need to stop. Ahaha, it sucks to know that.

Some reminders to self

-MUGMUGMUGMUGMUGMUGMUG
-REALLY start drawing... I need to start and learn fast knn.
-Draw characters and conceptual art. I mean, with reference.

-Stop being an asshole.
-Delete idiotic or meaningless blog posts
-Change to a brighter blogskin by July

It is much easier to live through life if you were a selfish bastard. Too bad there is something called 'guilty conscience' and 'karma'.
Or rather, that is what I believe in. Tsk. Time to get my retribution - a week of tests.

On a lighter note, I finished Physics PBL after slacking for so long. Sorry to the GYX and OTH, who doesn't read my blog haha. At least I tanked the main component, with reference to Eugene and YJ's great work.

2010-04-27T01:15:00.002+08:00

The world's going insane.

Well, it may be true that there is no more reality in this world, or that everybody's degenerating. Conventions define the reality we live in, money measures the worth of lives. For one, it is quite dumb that we are forced to be in schools, learning things we abhor and totally uninterested. Those successful in the academics are those who are just luckily deeply interested in the subjects taught in school, or those who are hardworking that just study for the sake of it. It is senseless, why can't we choose what we want to learn? What if, I know I don't want to learn triple sciences at all, or learn how does light rays reflect into our eyes, triggering nerve impulses. I mean, who is to decide what we should learn? And also, who is to decide learning which subjects = providing leeway for prestigious jobs = so-called better.

Then, I see people failing hard at cracking jokes, or trying to act serious. And the irony is, I am referring to the same person. And then there are some, who try desperately to construct beautiful imagery to relate their hollow experiences to something fulfilling. And the worse part, that person gets the terminology of the matters he is relating to all wrong. Ironically, you do see people 'liking' those Facebook status aimed at getting attention. I for one, does it in the past too. And I am not denying that I am trying to garner attention for being able to accomplish a feat of 64 FP/minute though it is not continuous. What a hypocrite. I mean me/ What hypocrites. I mean the people around me. It is certainly weird why do people do all sorts of things, to attempt to act to be on good terms with everybody, being popular etc.

Oh, and yiyun won't be realized this year, since most people do not want it. Glad to know that people are finally comfortable with speaking the truth with the shield of the screen.
Hmm, this year, all the documents, plans that I have made, are never going to see the light of the day. All of this things I could have done this year, are just going to sink deep down in my memories. Nope, I won't share what I did. I don't want to impose my own thoughts on others next year.

I doubt I am joining huangcheng, since I know some people that I hate are joining. Well, it is a waste of energy to hate someone, but oh well, some people just warrant my attention. My brain just registers it as a hostility.

Yay, my class is fun. Ignore this...
Took up pen spinning... mastered nothing yet. Fine, thumbaround.
Learning: FP Rev, TA rev, TA harmonic, Sonic Rev, Charge Normal at all fingers, charge rev at all fingers
Trying to master: FP, Sonic, charge rev at 1-2

Hmm, once I learned all of this, it will prolly be shadow, twisted sonic, devil sonic, infinity. Or whatever that I see is cool. Gonna take a long time haha.

---

My life's quite a failure this year. I am failing for my academics aspect as I am lazy to speak up and such. It is quite funny to see how people keep asking questions just for the sake of asking questions though they understand the concepts, maybe I should do that next time and be a tard.

---

Let's try to:

i) not lie (other than during card games, psychological games, white lies)
ii) Don't utter the word F*** despite sitting in front of the king of vulgarities.
iii) Try to do my duty reluctantly for the rest of the year in terms of EP3.
iv) Don't be a bastard and niao others. [I accidentally niao slau zzz]

v) Read more during holidays... Increase my linguistic skills, if I had any.
Start drawing... Why am I so lazy to start?
Okay, do projects!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
juz for the sake of msg. tsk. I am gonna be a mugger in the EOY, like doing 10 year series for every lame subject.

Sorry XR and CJ, you guys tank a lot of work haha.

2010-03-31T22:48:00.004+08:00

"It is flying away."

Just suddenly, something's gone. It just disappears. Fade into thin air. The Sun still rises, the moon still becomes full tonight. Everything's the same. 4 years, it just vanished, cease to exist before it even did. Cease to begin to exist. So, everything's normal.

It is just indescribable, one dream of redeeming whatever I have did up till this point was just defenestrated like a torn piece of paper, its content never to be written. I mean, for a certain group of people, an obvious miniority, it is just something metaphysical that we can't grasp anymore, a manifestation of dreams that will never occur. Never.

Well, I am happy that at least a few Secondary 3s do understand the impact of this, to us, I mean that miniority. And there are indeed concrete implications to this delaying. I have no idea what the teacher has planned, as if he planned everything to work out. But does he know what does this step do to the integrity of a group...

Fuck no I am gonna let my big project of the year, one I would commit myself to and let go of other projects, disappear without a fight.

XR said it right. Suns and moons are selfless, because they do not have a consciousness? They are just goddamn masses of chemical compounds creating and reflecting light everywhere. They are just part of a big picture of the Universe working in harmony.

We are humans, the Sec 4s are a sui generis. While we can't explain it, there is a conscious in our minds. We have dreams. We are selfish. While the rest can wait till next year's March, we can't. Because time leaves us clueless. Time forces us to grow with it, an evil manifestation in itself. We grow older, we grow to be more "matured", complicate ourselves with the intricate ladybrinth of the society.

So... before that happens, can't we just try to grasp the fleeting balloon? Can't we, just for a moment, be immature, don't care about what all others feel. And try to grab it back. Yeah, we may feel bad for failing again, but at least we tried.

I am happy that Long Jian, Han Cheng, John, Colin, Gabriel, Dian Yi, Wei Xiang, Modi, Qi Yuan, Xin Rui wants it. Most of you guys reading this probably didn't reply. I want a reply... I guess you all didn't get the point. Kerry probably doesn't want to act anymore, which was the 'half push' reply. I not really sure. Ting Jun, well, wants to support us whatever we do. That's a friend I guess, but he should want to focus on YPPAE, since it seems more fun than what's happening in here now.

That means a no, I guess. Expected though. None of you were bonded to this entity anyway. We are, we have experienced it once, no matter how much of it was a failure, we want to reenact the failure. And make it a success. Waiting it till March... fuck you I am not gonna join Huang Cheng. Not when I feel regret with this.

I may hate normal activities, but not the makings of a production. I don't want to join part of yang's grand scheme of work, however objectively good it is, I only want a piece of pleasant experience.

Hey people, what say you. We aren't late yet. There's until May. I mean, if Minhua's gang can do it... with only like 8 willing people. Why can't we?

Freak, I am gonna skip the Shang Hai shit.

I am gonna try to push for something.

I am gonna try to not procastinate for this anymore.

While trying implies the failure of it,
I am prepared to bear the consequences of it.

I am not gonna go down without a fight.

Secondary 4 is a year where you achieve something.

I have done none so far.

---

Hey peeps,
can't we try to find the kind of passion we had then.
None of you may have been in ExCo'07.
But I believe our feelings then were the same.

Tan Kah Kee was not truly ours, I felt that it was over when it was over.
Nothing more.
No feelings of reminisence.

I want to feel another piece of memory long and gone.
Not regret.

At least, can we work together?
Work together to push for something that 99% won't work.
I am certain I will do it.
But I need support.
I need a helluva it if you want 1% higher chance. Of succeeding
I don't you to persuade others. I only want those true to doing something this year.

For those who want to actively try, do tell me. Not by the tagboard, through personal means.
For those who want to give up, yeah it's okay.

---

戏剧是一种遗憾的艺术。
但是，若连戏也没有，
有何牵挂、有何遗憾？

人是自私的，
也许这是丑陋的事实。
但是，因为我们自私，
因为我们是有七情六欲，
人生才多姿多彩。

与其安静，不如大声呐喊，
与其放弃，不如全力以赴，
与其失败，不如尝试后再失败，
与其争执，不如先静下心。
与其成功，不如先跌倒。
与其艺韵……有谁，能填这个空白呢？

---

I hope, everybody understands.
But I want to try, try to succeed.
Then, even if I fail, I know I did my best.

2010-03-29T01:22:00.003+08:00

This weekend was quite uneventful, luckily.

Hmm, how I wish EP3 ends. I don't have the motivation to work hard anymore, well, there is no reason to... other than my responsibility. I will probably stop procastinating tomorrow. Hopefully. Sorry, but I really have no idea why I am doing this anymore. With retarded people, and assholes. Well, it is a conglomerate of assholes who don't want to appreciate the beauty of things and waste part of their time here in foolishness. I have no idea why I should be trying to change them. I don't want to be a transitional leader, I am not fitted to be a leader either if I don't have the passion nor the motivation to change things. The things that keep me connected to here are just long gone. The feelings of excitement, exhaustion, exhilaration, all gone. What is left, is just an empty shell that is like a walking dead, working for nothing in order to pass the time and complete a seemingly stupid destiny, or rather, meaningful performance with a bunch of assholes who wouldn't appreciate it. I am not functioning, neither is the ExCo. Everybody seems to shirk or want to shirk their responsiblities. Stupid me for making a wrong decision in June.

Well, let's hope these senseless emotions and useless thoughts will be emptied by ranting here. Will expressing here do any good? Nope, it will just be a record for me to view when I finished the year. And an avenue to express my anger towards my stupidity. Towards my inability. Of what? Of leading? Or of executing what I planned? I need to learn more. Yeah, learn. Not rant.

Let's hope at the end of July, there would be no regrets. Only fruits of my hard work. Yeah, my hard work, not only the rest. I want to accomplish something this year. I have accomplished learning what is a Technical Director. Now, I need to learn what is a production crew. The small little puzzles of everything. Then, start to own the puny asses of bastards. Train my mental endurance, not be pissed off by them. In any case, there isn't any way to make Chinese Drama that fun eh. I want to, but well, there isn't any technical way to.

---

Anyway, you gotta love lit. And the teacher. She asks us to do a presentation about Simulacra and Simulations. We are doing Matrix this term, and Matrix presents a wrong interpretion of this philosophical treatise. And we, the students, do not have any foundation about philosophy, about what the concept is talking about. What is Borge's Fable? What is postmodernism? What is simulacrum? I think it is quite retarded to ask us do a presentation on something that we have to take about a week's worth of free time to fully analyze and TRY to comprehend its awesomeness. The book is fking hard to understand, and there isn't many internet sources on this book, nor guides to comprehend it. I think it is quite stupid to ask us do a presentation on this when this is such a complicated topic, though worth studying, will take a bunch of intelligent students. I started on the presentation, and passed to Perry and Tiet Ho. I wonder how they will continue it.

Anyway, with regards to the book itself, it is intellectually challenging for me to read it. It took quite a long time before I understood the first page of the book. And I realized that at every paragraph, there are bound to be examples that I have no contextual knowledge (Tasadays? Castaneda?), or unknown words (simulacra, vicissitudes, preces) in which I have to go find myself. I only roughly skimmed through the first few pages of the book, and I only went to search some of the stuff for fun. I think the book is interesting, but super hard to understand.

3rd Order Simulacrum is screwed. We are living in a society where the real has been distorted since there isn't any way to distinct between the real and the imaginary, and the imaginary, or the representations and simulacrum, determines this reality. It means that the signs and symbols we make in this world now determine what we perceive as reality. And these signs now do not have any relation to reality anymore, such that we will never be able to delve into what is the absolute truth anymore.

e.g. Money. Money is used to measure the worth of everything now. What is worth is what is expensive. But what most of us neglect now is the workmanship of an item, the practicality of an item, the hard work of a labourer. We measure items to money, we value them with money. And now, we do not really question the worth of what we really have now, e.g. time. We only measure our lives against this value of money. Plots of land are valued in money, artifacts, paintings are also the same. But that isn't the reality, the real "real".

I admit that my interpretation may be flawed, and totally inaccurate as I have not really tried to understand it sentence by sentence. I am just trying to make sense of the bunch of meaningful words that is too complicated beyond my brain's extent of understanding and logic. But I think this nihilistic view is quite interesting, that only hyperreality exists now and that the real "reality" can no longer recreate itself. But what does this view mean to this world? Is Baudrillard merely making a comment on the postmodern culture? Or does he want to show/express something? Or want to impact his readers? The loss of absolute truth, or rather that now the truth that hides the fact that there is no truth, how does it affect our society? Does he mean that our lives are now meaningless? Since there is no more reality, even in religion (in his book he does state that), whatever we are doing does not have any ultimate purpose or destiny. And that whatever we are doing, only leads to our death. And nothing after that.

Even then, we can question, so what is the use of helping others? Doing what is defined as right in the society, helping others, which is deemed to be a kind and selfless act. It seems to be true that it does not really have any technical value to such acts, since all of these only disappear when we die. But there is this question of what happens in the afterlife. Is there life after death? It is such incertainty that still encourages people to believe in karma, in god, in divinity. It may be true that the God we worship now in temples is just but representations of its own, and there isn't any truth in it as the signs are only symbolizing the signs created. But it may be also true that in the true reality, God does exist. This is the region where we are unable to venture to, since there isn't any way of proving it or disproving it. Or is there? I think we will never know. And if by helping someone, you make somebody feel positive to his or her life, even if that is false happiness or whatsoever, at least that individual feels sort of better. Whether this positive feeling will make any meaning in this unknown universe or not, we will never know. But at least these individuals are conditioned to know that this positive feeling is a positive one, and they feel good. Isn't that enough.

But again, I think the book makes sense in what it is saying. It seems as if we humans, are plunging ourselves to further stupidity, since we are now only distancing ourselves forever from the real truth, where the knowledge is surely definite. And this plethora of concepts and logic of everything will never be known if his argument is true. If I have time, I will want to read an introductory book to philosophy, read the fundamental philosophies that most of postmodern works are founded on, or are trying to disagree with, then read this book. Joshua recommends reading Fight Club. I have no idea what it is about. But I think such books will allow us to learn a lot and change our thinking. If we delve into sentence by sentence, I will probably learn a lot more vocabluary, learn some history stuff that they list down as examples. And most importantly, the way they present their argument, articulating these concepts in an understandable manner.

I want to try to disagree with such nihilistic views, so as to find meaning in life. It will be very fun to do so, if I had the calibre to. I wonder how the authors create such arguments from zero to that whole chunk of text. Like they just created another new domain of knowledge.

---

Then, I also tried to follow some drawing tutorials. Crap, I totally failed. It takes time to get used to drawing the body in proportions I guess. All my drawings look super weird. At least, I know how to draw a basic eye properly now. And the basic anatomy of humans and chibis. Knowing it and applying it... totally different. This is like knowing the physics of what makes a bicycle stable and being movile, and knowing how to ride it. Totally different. Crap... I want more time to try drawing!!!

I should just try and draw from manga I guess. Then, I will have some basic concepts. Let's go!

And I want to touch on photomanipulation again, a super fun domain.

Rain.

Desert.

Forest.

Need to try these!

And after drawing people, I shall learn drawing backgrounds as well. But I am not taking time to draw. I want to improve goddamnit. I want to be proer than AEP students. Lol, impossible. They are forced to draw every week, forced to design something, and here I am slacking. I have not touched photoshop for 3 months.

Design seems to be no longer an integral part of my life. But it is still my passion, I guess. Sadly, I doubt that it will be my job or anything. Unless I take up impossible pangs of courage to go on a design course in poly, or go La Selle, in which I need a great foundation or I would be rejected. Impossible. I am not that courageous yet, nor would I want to disappoint my parents.

I do not really have any other interests... perhaps Philosophy. But, I seriously do not have any foundation in it either. I wasted too much of my youth in games, I should have read up more, drew more.

---

Life seems super screwed. But I can't dwell on the past... I want to make use of my future.

Every tiny bit second. Don't waste time...
Let's hope I achieve it. Jiayou!

The past is long and gone,
The present is fading every moment,
And the future is being grasped every second.

Memories have faded like the sunset,
Time has eroded like the sand on the beach,
Regrets have withered away like the winter leaves,
But the dreams must not be forgotten like the monuments,
But the wishes must no be parting like the butterflies on migration,
But the wills must never disappear like mist.

Some items are allowed to leave us,
But some must be grasped.
By grasping onto them,
do we remember what are we here for.

With dreams, wishes, and our wills, can we strive to make the difference.
Whatever the difference is, by leaving the marks on the world,
We know we are breathing,
and living.

---

Hmm, I can still chunk out bullshit, not bad. I need to improve my vocabluary to prevent some nonsense from occuring again.

2010-03-18T01:47:00.002+08:00

I see a lot of people using the word "puppet".

To be frank, do you really understand what it means to be puppeted?

Being puppeted, what does it mean?

Imagine a doll, despite whatever strong feelings it may have, is still portrayed as a lifeless model, being played around by the puppeteer, to convey whatever the puppeteer wants to show.
So, the meaning? You are forced to act against your own wishes and integrity.

I don't really get your usage of words at time.
And I feel sad for Cheng Jun over what happened at err.. Tuesday.
I remember hearing him telling you that he will stay back with you to wait for you to be free, and then set out to buy whatever you need. Whatever happens next should be quite obvious.

Then next day, whenever I remind you of something you didn't do, you become insane and scream at me. WTF? Do you think I enjoy looking at you being mad and stuff? Do you fucking know I was screwed by Mr. Yang first, and hence you are not in any case being scolded by him? And then you bloody show me this kind of cavalier attitude? My chains are still bounding me, should it break, you better watch out. I hope you know who you are, though I doubt your sanity at this very moment.

--- End of rant---

And with regards to those who are emo or think I fucking black-faced when I talk to you, that's prolly because of talks between me and Mr. Yang. Relax, I am not blaming you. Just warning.

---

And, a big thank you to Xin Rui!
For being my walking alarm clock, reminder, post-it note, venting can, randomizer, joke-of-the-day etc.

Sorry, but I still do not have the motivation nor will to execute certain things. Simple things, like discipline. Just lazy to. Because I feel that whatever I have been doing is not reciprocated.

Sorry, but I think I can't last till yiyun. I will try, though. Try.

---

On a side note, I pwned Yang Qi Fan 2-0 in pool! 2nd time going to play pool with friends. I guess whoever I play with, will eventually shoot in the 8-ball and let me win.

2nd round, I was losing with about 5 stripes left, then suddenly I got on a lucky streak. After some shots, all went in. Qi Fan lost LOL.

But obviously, Qi Fan's skills and pinpoint accuracy owned mine. I keep hitting the same ball about 5 times before it goes in, crap.

*ego*
But who cares, I won.
*/ego*

Going to John's house to have a nice sleep tomorrow. Oh wait, today.

About 40+ more hours...

Ahh crap, my homework's 0% done.

---

I think I am being damn retarded this year. Certain people should be able to see. Dunno, my linguistic abilities are worse now.

2010-02-28T22:24:00.003+08:00

My academics are not improving.
MSG will probably go quite high haha. IHC is screwed up, my Chemistry was an A2. Chinese well, will be the same as always. Biology, Mrs Koh relented and gave me the extra half mark. English is improving ^^. Maths, tough luck. I do not have enough time to practise the questions. Physics... well I screwed up the PBL. Left the test.

2nd term would be better with no more TKK or drama festival...

I seem quite detached from my class, and I do not really talk to some of my better friends anymore.
Huagang, I see situational irony.
I just do not get it.

Somebody says he is enthusiastic about huagang, asks others to be serious, and yet himself is the one disturbing the rehearsals the most, not setting his lines no matter how many times I have asked him, not being serious about anything. So much for being enthusiastic. Oh, and I wondered if you did remember about any list that I passed you.
I wanted to scold you there and then, I resisted my emotions.

Should there be any time for it once more, I would really just let it all out, all of my frustrations towards you. I do not care if it sours our relations, because to me, we are not really friends anymore. On the surface, yes. But to be frank, I no longer regard you as one.

---

Huagang... time to view it in another light.

I sense immense similarity between Huagang and NPCC.
Both seems to be having similar problems.
But of course, the difference is immense as well.

I think I have allowed some people to linger too long, allowed some people to spread their influence too much.
I wish some people will understand where they go wrong.
And I wish they would change.
Some is trying to.. I know.
But some just really... ugh...

I do not know... but for now, Huagang is no longer listed as my priority.
21 more days, and I will be back.
Within this 21 days, I am gonna either despise that person totally or screw him if he doesn't change. Along with the rest of the crew.

---

Xin Rui seems tired. Sorry for the past few days.
Cheng Jun seems pissed. I hope you can express it in my stead. Your silence won't help.

I know my limitations. And I don't wish to break them. Because I can't.

The vivacity I once had with regards to this entity is gone.
I'd love to help, but it doesn't mean anything if the others doesn't appreciate it.
What I have contributed, and what I have received in return, has been too different.
Is there any meaning in this anymore?
Why'd anybody work hard, sacrifice his own personal interests, and all he gets are people that are adamant, that continues to destroy what he had tried to construct.

---

If only, I was different.
If only, I rejected that role.
If only, I shirked this reponsibility.

Then all of this, wouldn't have happened.

But then, since fate has guided me this way,
since my own mind has led me here,
let me to know other's worries,
let me to know mine as well,

maybe it is time for me to reenact the promise I once made but broken.

Starting from today, I don't want to be silent.
I want to reassume my status.
I want to qualm my fears.
I want to overcome my sloth.

I am gonna begin my proper role.

Wish those that understand this, will help me to assure me that I wouldn't change paths anymore.

21 more days, before I can start paving the way, before I can start mapping the skies.
and 4 months more, to leave my marks.

Let it end well.

2010-02-19T01:09:00.003+08:00

Does time change a person, or do events during the passing of time change a person?

I feel this year I have changed. Have I changed due to the fact I am older, due to the fact that I have advanced in the chronology of time by a chapter... or changed because of my actions as a free-willed human agent, because of personal circumstances...

I don't feel like going to Huagang anymore. It is like an entity. Everything I worked hard for now is so miniscule to me now. It's like I am doing this just because I am supposed to, not because I want to. I don't feel I deserve the kind of treatment I get for what I do. Whatever I do, nothing will change in the people's mindset. Whatever I worked hard to accomplish, nobody appreciates them. Seriously, what am I working hard for? What am I doing?

And tomorrow welcomes another generation into here, so do I pretend and happily invite them?

Who am I?
I have seriously no idea now.

Time continues to spirit away from existence.
And I continue to turn away from reality.
And I slowly change into an ethereal imagination.
A manifestation of thoughts.
With no actions.
Nor anymore desires or wishes.

And may this train of thoughts... eventually reach someone who understands them someday.

I am a fool, in the middle of people who do not understand me.

I am a clown, playing tricks for them.

So, who am I, really?

2010-02-17T02:38:00.002+08:00

Okay, I want to revoke my no-posting.

CNY, horoscope prediction was BAD luck all year round. Epic. THen old illnesses will be back. I was sick for 3 days during CNY. I almost went to hospital on the first day. WTF.

Okay, I shall not be that superstitous. Just live life.

I think I can guess most of CJ's blog.

The "she"'s are obvious.

The "He"s are not referring to one person.

And I may be in it. But speculation won't do any good. So let's just hope I am not one of it.
At least from deduction of his reactions, I can be sure that one of the "He" is being immaturish about love. Or stubborn, rather.

Why bear yourself down with burden?
Why bear yourself down with affairs of others?
Why do you care about them?

For myself, I have to ask...

Why the heck am I actually caring about Huagang. Fuck this man.

I now don't have any time for what I really like doing.

Maybe I should skip JC and go Poly instead. Rather, that's my wish. But I am not courageous enough to push this to my parents. They expect me to earn big. I am not going to Le Salle either.
Well, now that part of me had disappeared with time, now I can't even draw shit, literally and metaphorically.

4 months more to shirk responsibility. Yiyun deserves to have better pushers. I really just want to be a silent helper. I may be passionate, but I don't want to be the leader. Huagang is different from council. Huagang has many more shitload problems. That can't be really cured.

Let's hope John will tank for sounds... I can't find time to source and mix the music.
Asking Yuan Xin seems to be inappropriate. His studies are dying without me asking him to do what he is supposed to do. Being a normal member alone seems to be taking a toll on him with his addiction and warped mental state.

I wonder.
I wonder why.

I may know everything, I may know how to solve the problems.
I may know the answer to everything,
but my heart isn't willing to help.
It just wants me to follow my true wishes.

Friends are the only connection to that entity every week.

Maybe I should turn to literature. Traditional art seems impossible with my level of technique now. I even forgot human anatomy, types of anime eyes.

And I lost creativity.

This is leading to nowhere. Why am I writing? For the sake of it? That's true...

Let's go, enjoy this segment of life! Being optimistic is the best way I guess.

2010-02-13T18:43:00.002+08:00

My life sucks. I got into the newspaper with a retarded picture. And people around me are poking fun into it. Yeah fine, you think it's funny, I don't. Screw off bitches. Or rather, bastards.

And then more retarded stuff pops up. Shan't comment about it.

I am procastinating now. Crap.

I won't post until I change my blogskin. Just realized it sucks as a blogskin, too dark. Till then.

Ironically,

Happy Lunar New Year!

Blank Paper

2010-02-07T03:07:00.003+08:00

Let's take a breather. Let's reset our feelings.
Let's return to our simpler selves...

A Message to You

2010-01-29T01:12:00.002+08:00

-= A Message to You =-

Okay, I know that you read my blog. And now, here is my message to you.

Firstly, I am not gonna waste my temper for this stupid little puny quarrel. So I will just put things straight.

1. Did you know that you are the one who was SUPPOSED to be the in-charge of the EP3 Trials?
2. Did you know that I am not SUPPOSED to be caring any of such stuff, so that I can start planning ahead for the rest of the year, for yiyun, and that I would have much a better schedule?
3. Did you know that you are part of the ExCo?
4. Or should I say, Did you know what are your RESPONSIBLITIES as an Activity Director?
5. You don't shirk responsiblity by pissing me off with your personal matters.
6. Fuck, we all have got personal problems, and you wouldn't want to hear mine in detail.
And if you want one, that is YOU. You are enough to spoil my week.
7. You don't act as if you are right when you are obviously in the wrong.
What's with the I am wrong, you are right attitude when you ain't done any SHIT at all.
As in, as an activity director, have you really done anything extensive that doesn't me and the rest to extensively add on?

Or, to be frank, at least just frigging host the trials which is such a no-brainer task?

8. Fine, complain about your MSG. Then let me ask you, if you knew you can't manage your ZAI stuff, then why did you piss the WHOLE EXCO off by joining it?

If you didn't know, there is like 1 whole faction of people masking their hatred for you. We just don't want to pick a fight with you.

9. Seriously, I have a limit.

10. Continue to amass haters for all you want, but what you have done as an ExCo

is not zero. What you did was, to play games at ExCo meeting, joking at wrong time, slacking at times when I am supposed to be the one slacking off planning for yiyun.

It is not that I despise or envious of you going Japan whatsoever, I don't give a damn.

But at least for the period you are here, be of some value. A positive one.

11. Or you can just fuck off and quit the ExCo.

2010-01-17T00:31:00.003+08:00

-=Tired=-

First week of school was so-so, but was fun with all the random swearings from the guy behind me. Kelvin, me and Yong Xiang was pinching each other to keep each other awake in Biology lessons. Then we were getting annoyed with the guy behind me's random questions just because he didn't listen properly in class. I ponned Aphelion assembly since it was boring.
Monday would see a very long second row in the class. Because we would have Tiet Ho and Perry joining us lol. Free Mathematics and Science consultants.

EP3 was bullshit. Got backstabbed again by costumes. Seriously, he is one of the causes why I am so pissed off.

Well, at least it was fun at the end where we celebrated Xin Rui's birthday, one day late lol. ExCo eating food inside blackbox and burning candles inside, oops. The atmosphere wasn't there, but it was fun haha. Then we gave him a made-10-minutes-ago birthday card by me and contributed by others haha, and a present from me and CJ. Then went to Teochew Porridge for dinner. Cheap and nice, not that filling, but just nice for after rehearsals. Al-ameen for ice-cream prata LOL. As delicious as always.

Note: Sorry if you felt offended for not being invited to celebrate birthday with him, but what Long Jian (and what I felt too) was to only include minimal amount of people in it, and those closer ones. Well to be frank, we didn't mean for Marcus to be in it too.

Today was epic, I got fever and didn't come for meeting. Aparrently it was dog dung there too. And what, somebody smsed me that the action plan would be submitted late. But wtf, you have been late for 1 week and you request for an extension. Fine, you execute it alone. I am not gonna tank every piece of shit for you. Maybe for this event I have to help you tank, since Mr. Yang's gonna kill me if we got another retarded batch. But I will make sure not to interfere with the rest. (oh wait, there isn't any...) For the whole year as ExCo, your contribution has become 0. That is fact, not an assumption. Congratulations for getting to boast that you are an ExCo of an elite EP3 that is having fundamental problems because even the ExCo doesn't even know their jobs, yours especially. FYL.

I am too tired of bearing sometimes, bearing the imaginary knives, bearing blames for the rest, bearing the jobs of others. I have a limit. My limit may be sky high, but the pressure is now getting there. I bet my limit will be broken when I am in Victoria Theatre. Insane stupidity is now in Huagang. This year is for the exorcism of it. Screw those bastards.

At least for now are just rehearsals, and my only official job is to coordinate those rehearsals. Unofficial jobs include Trials, Costumes.

Ahh crap, now international event is downscaled. That sucks. I was looking forward to it.
---

Ahh this year I am gonna chiong for the ARE. OSA is a given for me already anyway. I now just need an A* Project, in which Perry and the gang has been facing injustice from false hopes given by judges without validly explaining their reasons. MSG-wise, if I am gonna pwn both Joshuas flat, I can't afford to get >1.2 so yeah. Need to focus more on studies.

English A2 sounds manageable. Physics A2 would be hard... The rest should be okay with ample study time. Especially since I am letting CJ and god-knows-who tank the useless rehearsals.

---

Accomplished:
Most 1337 Ep3 Orientation in 4 years of my life here.
Productive EP3 where I managed to clear Props room of junk, finally.

To be accomplished:
Yiyun
Drawing properly, anatomy etc (omfg today I just stumbled onto an art style which is super hard and impossible for me to master)

Well nothing more, for EP3 that is.

---

Tomorrow I have to start work. Do Chemistry, settle Huagang stupid matters. And my script. Crap.

---

There's a helluva road out there paved for me. Time for me to walk on... Time for me to show off... Time for me to be angry... Time for me to do some actions... It's the last year for me to make any difference at all, so yeah let's rock for this last year.

The rain's the start,
The rainbow's the end.
What matters, is not me.
Nor it is you.
It is the memories we make along the way.
It is the fun we had along the way.
It is these things that fade... that become so precious to us.

One day, when we look back... we will smile at the blurry past.

First Day of School

2010-01-11T22:56:00.003+08:00

-= First Day of School =-

Today was first day of school!!! I went there feeling retarded wearing Secondary 3 uniform. Bad start. Then Slau reminded me that I forgot my thermometer. Die. So during class, our form teacher, Justin Loh was like asking everyone show him our thermometers. Yuan Xin got pwned badly. When he came to my side, I took out a white pen from my pencil case. He walked past... And, even those beside me didn't know I never bring thermometer. EPIC. WTF. I just created a miracle.

Okay, after that was assembly, which our batch cheered when we saw the lower secondary assessment system. ACE and OP is converted to subjects which were calculated as another form of MSG. HAHAHA. Class tests 30% Exam 70%. DIE DIE DIE. Never mind, none of my business.

Then I slacked and got super bored at classroom, stoning with Yi Bin and Yong Xiang. Then everytime I going fall asleep Yong Xiang go shout my name. _|_ After that, we played cards. Then we realized there were country erasers behind the classroom. Guess what, we relived our childhood games, aka let your eraser be on top of others game. HAHA we had fun playing it.

Lunch was bullshit, wanted go Bishan eat some nice stuff or something, or at least subway @ BTP, then Yi Bin had to choose Golden Rooster. WTF. It caused me to be hungry afterwards. Then he kept singing the song and swearing Darryl Chua, keeping me and the 2 Joshuas amused.

-----------------

Then, Greatest News of the Day: Cheng Jun feels Phyllis is somewhere near him, then he saw her. YAY. Okay just kidding, he was the only one out of the trio who didn't realize her. LOL.

-----------------

Yay more people favourited my Voyage to the Moon! But sadly, I no time to continue my art pieces goddamit. I have 2 more concepts already that are pretty easy. Forget it, wait till March Holidays ahhh. Gogogo!

-----------------

The onus of leadership seems too heavy for me. Because my passion doesn't lie in huagang at all. Not even an ounce of it. I only like the people there. I don't really care about what fly bars, doing quick change, acting whatsoever. But well, I am having fun here. So at least I shall try to make this more fun for the others.

Haha, Ting Jun seems to be okay with the rehearsals. Justin can't come on Saturdays only. Both expressed that they wanted act in Yiyun. Great.

Well, I understand like 99% + 1% of the people don't want Tan Kah Kee at all. I mean like all, the whole school. Hmm, let's see how we can use this opportunity to groom backstage people.

Great, time to sharpen my voice. Time to shout at some people. Time to bug some people. Time to sing a birthday song, or 2 as a matter of fact.

67 days left to the end of sparta. 50 days left before international event.

LET'S PWN THIS YEAR's HUAGANG.

CCA Orientation

2010-01-08T01:39:00.002+08:00

-= CCA Orientation =-

Okay, so I woke up with another fever rising. Then went to school, and saw that black box wasn't open. Luckily, the auntie appeared, she was actually cleaning something hahaha. Then we started practising etc.

Well, I totally screwed up the first group of people who came in, so for the second group of people I asked Long Jian to hype the atmosephere first. Then I continued talking. Effect was much better. So yeah, they were interested.

Then at halfway, the people came in to install the projector. YAY!!! But well, our light sticks setup were wasted. And that sucks. Ahh...

So we had to talk amidst the drilling sounds and etc...
Well and I was kinda pissed at some of my juniors' immature actions and I really almost blew off my top. Luckily, one shout was enough. Or else a fist won't stop me either.

Then, yeah, today was a success! Well, objectives were met. We got interested people to come our trials, so for the trials we would have to impress them. And I will have a proper interview.

Ahh, now it is late, tomorrow I shall blog about Joshua Ng and Yeo, my best mateys in S4! Becoz it's joshua ng's birthday 2 hours ago haha. Well, many thoughts eh... And I will blog a bit more on Huagang stuff too.

----

@Han Cheng
- Well, if I were me, I would have stayed as a normal member. Pia council, go reform the council, and just do my job in huagang. That was my original thought haha. Then things change. Well, life's like that. And yeah, experience is never bad. Memories are never everlasting.

@Long Jian
- Sometimes I get led by you too much that I forgot what I was originally thinking. Sometimes I get led by the stupidity of the ExCo that I forgot what I was harboring in my mind. Yeah, that's about it.

@Joseph
- Thanks for your words yeah!

Okay, go sleep. Tomorrow have 2 more posts to post.

Roots of Me, another Me

2010-01-06T01:19:00.002+08:00

-= Roots of Me, another Me =-

Today, I was lost. I didn't want to remember. Remember what made me so... hypocritical.

Well, today I was talking to Ting Jun on MSN (the first time in our 3 years of friendship), it seems like we getting more distant from each other and I felt a bit awkward talking to him. Yeah, the fact that he didn't get into ExCo and I did distanced us, the fact that we were in the ExCo last year distanced us more. But yet, he is still the only one that reminds me of everything. Right from Secondary One, when we were in Black Box, looking at each other, and wondering that hey, isn't that guy from my class?

Well, he said he wanted to have fun this year, especially during Yiyun. Hey, fun... Since when did I lose sight of that in Chinese Drama... Since when... I took up another personality to be...well... what others expect of me... and since when... did I forget about myself when I am in huagang...

I mean like, what the fuck had I been doing for the past year? Seriously, I don't know. I was not myself. I was only myself in my own class, having fun, doing stuff my way. In EP3, I was another person solely created for the purpose of letting myself fall asleep, and be unaware of the fags.

Fun in Chinese Drama.. it's been so damn long since I had fun in one day of EP3. Not even in camp did I have fun... Not even in this year's huangcheng camp did I enjoy myself... Since when... did I shut myself from everybody once I am in black box?

I was thinking sometimes for quite long, what is wrong with me? And now, I realized... wtf was I doing when I was chosen to become chairman? You know, like for all I care, Ting Jun should have become the chairman, and I believe he would at least have done a better job than me for the past year. That's the truth damn it. I mean like, for the past year, I was living in another shadow, in the shadows of seniors, in the shadows of projected me, in the shadows of shien yang, in the shadows of long jian, in the shadows of myself. I was not living as myself, in Huagang at least. Even in council, I still was myself, pissing off people at times and helping my dear friends Hong Woon and Zhi Rong for a stupid Mid-Year-Review.

You know, I wasn't me.

What I am..

is someone who don't care about who screwing up
is someone who seriously don't fucking care about retarded traditions
is someone who doesn't give a shit about retarded people trampling on my feet
is someone who do care about having fun
is someone who do care about making a helluva impact
is someone who do care about being happy

Give me some time... a bit more...

and I will be the original me. The one who seeks attention, who seeks friends, who seeks to be fun and happy.

It's about time, that I awaken, and stop being the foolish persona of the year back then.

Let me claim back my rightful duty as the chairman.
Do what I should.

Blast the fuckers,
shut the noisy brats up.
Plan stuff my way
Execute it my way
And make sure the fireworks reach the world.

FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, IT's 2010, the last year of high school life.

It is a last year, to leave an impact.

If I pull through this year, with flying rainbows, I will be a legend.

Bring it on Tan Kah Kee, Chinese Arts Festival, 7th Asian Student Drama Performance, 艺韵．

100 Dragons

2010-01-03T23:40:00.002+08:00

-= 100 Dragons =-

Okay, so today I became a bit sickly for no reason. Probably because of lack of sleep from Saturday lol. Totally had no mood for doing anything -.-... Was supposed to do proposal or upload minutes or whatsoever. Then oh well, it was not my job to do this crap, so? Heck care is my answer.

Drats, timetable better be out soon so I can plan my time. And well, good luck and have fun to those having school tomorrow heh.

Rawr, yesterday, I discussed with John about the duration of the time taken to hunt 100 dragons in Mousehunt. Yes, mousehunt, the dumb facebook application. Well, basically I was lazy to do anything about the game anymore. So I decided to try to get 100 dragons in mousehunt before I do anything else.

According to Pooflinger, it will require 2000 inferno harvati. This also means 2000 seeds x each color and 2000 fire salt.

2000 red > 4000 crunchy at least >10000 SB+?
2000 blue > 4000 shells (maybe lesser) > 9000 gouda i think.
2000 yellow > 3000 gumbo > 5000++ gouda.
2000 fire salt > 4000 yellow > 6000 gumbo > 10000++ gouda.

The estimates are quite way off. But according to this, about 55k hunts are needed. Considering I average about 100 hunts per day... 550 days theortically. Of course, I bet it is shorter.. hopefully lol. So yeah, hope I don't chicken out halfway!!!

GOGOGO 100 DRAGONS! Lol nothing to do.

Blogskin

2010-01-03T00:18:00.009+08:00

-=Blogskin=-

Okay, so I promised I will leak on my creation of this blogskin haha.

So basically, I originally created an image to be used as a Christmas card for my close friends with the concept of a ship flying in the moon. So concept turned reality, I learned how to do a starfield from a tutorial (if you want to know where I learn my stuff, ask me personally), how to piak the moon map onto a sphere to make the moon and also basic photomanipulation to blend in the ship and wings and so on. Total work for the piece itself was 3 hours without the learning process. Actually less than that because I was bullshitting a lot.

So for that piece itself, this is the equation for that piece alone.

+ my self made starfield and moon and clouds+ one sparkle brush + my skills :)

Now, for the coding. I basically used my old blog's code copied and pasted because I was lazy to change CSS and stuff. And then what I did was to edit the layouts etc... and I found out one more class of CSS which was to include background image in the div layers, and thus you see my headers are well quite cool :) Used the same brush and well made it look cool. In my opinion that is. I have always loved black and cyan colour scheme.

So that's my choice. And after minor edits, I went ahead and screwed up a crappy background by cloning the original starfield. Haiz, bad. Then I also photoshopped away the words above, which again distorted the star field. Now it looks UGH. But well, I like the result!

Please critique on my blogskin thanks, I will change it after I get bored of it. Next theme will be something on the sky and fantasy-related as always I guess.

:D:D:D I have submitted this to DA! Higher quality!! It is here haha!

Resolutions

2010-01-02T01:06:00.003+08:00

Okay, I rushed through the resolutions yesterday and after looking at Han Cheng's blog, hmm, I shall now make a proper one :)

-= Design =-
Let's try doing 2 official pieces of art to be to DeviantArt every month. Meaning at the end of the year, I will have 24! Or I should join the 100-themed challenge :D That challenge motivates and inspires a lot for me to continue my endeavour in this domain.

Apophysis (3D hack or not), Photoshop, Terragen, the traditional paper, shallbe my tools of the trade. Let's see if I can be an accomplished DA person with well about 50 watchers at least x.x? Haha yeah it is hard since I will be only doing 24 pieces. So I will try to do more rawr.

And hopefully, I will create an OC for drawing haha, well, because I got inspired by some really cute drawings which I would feature next time in my blog posts. And yeah, I will try to transform this blog with pictures! By me or not hahaz.

-= Huagang =-

Well, time to brainwash myself to go back in the mood for serving this lovely community. This ain't some council which I will love doing work for at times. Why? Because it degenerated after Secondary One. To be frank, Huagang is facing like HOW MANY fundamental problems. Because of certain people, including me, seems like since I stepped up to solve them, I should.

Huagang is in shambles right now. Definitely not the thing I want to work for. ExCo's screwed, our batch is screwed, and so are the juniors. So well, let's clear this idiotic factory of problems and create a good start for the juniors.

To summarize, revamp the whole huagang. MY WAY. I realize it is seriously GG if I follow my seniors, the reason is simple. Times change, the way we view things are different. Advices are good. But sometimes, some things must be ignored. Because their way of doing things are unappealing to like 90% of the people.

Meaning, there is no need to do a reform or shit. It's just time to strike lightning and sound thunders into it. Time to reborn huagang tsk.

-= 4S4=-

Yay, let's continue to have fun! And well, don't slack this year! That's all, and don't be that much of a sucker anymore haha. Joshua Ng and Yeo, watch out, I am gonna kick your asses this year. Shen Yang and Slau, let's mug together wahaha. Yeap, that's all.

Yong Jian, let's go for VBC. Eh who were the rest of the people, Shen Yang and who?

-= PROJECT=-

F***, I shall design an awesome website this year that my computer wouldn't crash. And get our bloody project an A*. Perry, let's go! Though you won't be reading this HAH!

-= Friends=-

People like Joseph, Zhi Rong, Ting Jun, Jia Jian, Timothy Long, Pang Shiang, Wei Jian, Li Chuan, Zhi Ying etc etc, let's hope we don't lose contact. Let's keep in touch. For my current mateys, let's enjoy 2010 fully.

-= Me, me and me=-

Haha, basically be more focused.
And don't be a slacker anymore.
Sleep earlier during school days!
Don't game anymore.
Keep drawing, draw my life.
And time to train my arms.
And yeah, improve my personality.
Don't be a hypocrite.

Lastly, be myself, and complete the above tasks. That is all.

I will blog more about my 2nd blogskin today later I guess.

It's 2010!!!

2009-12-31T23:52:00.000+08:00

My very first post in the blog and the year 2010!

Time just slowly seeps, and 2009 has passed. I wouldn't say 2009 is an accomplished year for me, or a wasted year, even if those are true. For me, 2009 was a very exciting year, it let me gained new insights on many matters, be a little more matured, and well, became older! New memories, new friends, and a whole of fun was what made 2009, a very special one for me. So, let's toast to the last 3 minutes of this very unique year.

Haha, for the first time in my life, on 1st January 2010, here are my sincere resolutions, and wishes for the New Year!

1. Have Fun
2. Delve more into fractals, space art, photomanipulations :)
3. Get a decent EOY result.
4. Fulfill my role as ExCo.
5. An Awesome Yiyun 2010 that no words can describe it anymore
6. Get more friends.
7.Be more physically apt.
8. Be more expressive.
9. Be HAPPY
10. At the end of the year, look back at these resolutions and smile!